We all come from the same place, but it’s amazing to think that there are literally endless ways we can all go.
I’ve always been (or at least considered myself to be) one of those people that worries about that. At least once or twice a day I find myself stuck in the deepest mazes of my own mind, amazed that I haven’t entirely lost myself in them. What I think about, what I dream about, but mostly what I worry about are always there at the surface of my mind, nagging at me and making me question not only myself and my choices, but other people and their choices too. I know that it’s just a bit ridiculous to worry about that last part but it happens. I like to think that’s what makes me human, but just the same its what makes me a little crazy sometimes too.
I’m only 18 but I constantly label myself as a person who hasn’t achieved anything at all. In the larger scheme of things, 18 isn’t all that old… but to me, the 18 year old, that many years have already happened right before my eyes and the only way that I seem them are as… gone. Just gone. Like that, they disappear into thin air and I can’t get them back. I know I’ve achieved a lot, but I don’t really like to use that word all that much. It makes me think of some old businessman, hunched over his worn desk after 40 years of work and planning his European holiday with the money he’ll get from retiring. Not to an 18 year old girl who hasn’t even finished her first year of university, or doesn’t even have a job. Achievement is what you reflect on at the end of your life, not at the beginning of it.
To this day I’ve done a lot in comparison to a lot of people, but not much in comparison to others. This is where I go wrong, and where I stuff up. Every time. I compare. I compare myself and everything I’ve done, am doing, or are going to do with what other people are, or where they might be and it does absolutely no benefit to me at all. But I do it, and I keep doing and by now its become a really bad habit of mine. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life but now I understand when people say that quitting just isn’t that easy. I know. Maybe in a different way, maybe in a completely ridiculously incompatible way, but in a way nonetheless.
I really don’t know why I’m writing this or what’s suddenly motivated me to start writing this, but alas. I’ve been stuck on a blog post idea for the longest time and its made me feel so bad to not have posted anything in so long (even though I always promise to change that). But this is where I’ve found myself now, just like I find myself where I am in a lot of other parts of my life too.
So to date, I’ve done a bit. I’ve graduated primary school (if that counts as anything), I’ve completed VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education) and I’m currently in my last month of my first year of university. I have the most caring, wonderful and adoring boy in my life that I didn’t even know existed a year ago. Sure I was desperate for attention and wanted someone to hold close at night, but you can never plan something like that or expect it when it does happen. You just have to let it find you and welcome it home when it does. I’m completing a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Criminology and Psychology at RMIT University in Melbourne, and while I doubted what I wanted to do for the longest time known to man I think I’m happy to be where I am now. You always have those people that have everything planned out and you see them working their asses off towards getting there, but I’ve never been that person. Sure I’ve worked my ass off just the same and just as much, but I’ve never had a direction associated with that. I guess you could say that I’ve sort of just… landed here. Safely, thankfully. I’m happy with this landing and I’m going to stick with it, even though the future scares every single nerve in my body out of me and sometimes keeps me up at night, but I’m just as excited too.
You don’t realise when you’re in high school that worrying about the rest of your life is ridiculous when it hasn’t even really begun yet. You worry so much about what grades you’re going to get or what your exam results will be and which universities will accept you and which will reject you, that sometimes its hard to remember that in those moments you’re still living.
Go out with your friends. Go grab a coffee at the last minute together. Laugh until you cry or until your ribs threaten to burst through your chest. See a movie every once in a while. Take a day off studying and watch the sun sit in the sky. Watch the clouds float past, they don’t care about anything else do they? Kiss the boy you like or the girl you’ve loved for months. Hold your boyfriend or girlfriend closer than you ever have before. Don’t stress tonight about that assignment or exam that’s still weeks away. Cry your heart out sometimes. Eat that chocolate bar if you god damned want it. Put make up on, curl your hair, wear your cutest skirt and don’t be afraid to tell yourself that you look good. Never be afraid to think that you look good.
I know that I need to take this advice more than anybody else, but it’ll make me feel ten times better to know that it’s helped somebody else more than it’s made me rethink a few things.
Whonk knows what tomorrow will bring, let alone what the next few months or years will bring.. Enjoy the right now because it sure as hell doesn’t last forever.